Wednesday, September 15, 2010

just call me a mail order bride.

My brother Wyatt has been best friends with our neighbor George that lives behind us since we first moved in. George's mom Veronica is from Russia. As a result, they sometimes have their Russian relatives come to stay for incredibly long amounts of time. Like right now.
Sunday was glorious. Perfect for painting outside on my back porch. (I wish I was that artsy. It's just for my painting class.) I was just going about getting in touch with my abstract side when a woman approached me from George's house. She waved so I waved back. Then she started jibbering (or hacking, as Alexis calls it) in Russian. I just kind of shook my head and smiled. But she kept going. She pointed to herself and said some Russian name. So I did the same and said "Mallory." She looked at my paintings and then left. That was weird, I thought.
But it wasn't over. Five minutes later she came out onto their deck and yelled my name. Then she beckoned me over. What else could I do? I couldn't say no because she didn't even know what that meant. So I went inside and saw that she had Bookface brought up on the computer. Then she went off again in Russian. Next her husband came in and shook my hand. Started jibbering as well. Where on Earth is George. Someone help me, I thought. She whipped out a Russian-English dictionary and tried to write something and then stopped. Finally they got up, went on the back porch, pointed to my house and then to theirs, and said Veronica. They wanted me to come back when Veronica was home so she could translate. So I left. Totally weirded out.
That night, bout nine, bout nine thirty, the phone rang. My mom told me it was for me. It was George. "Mal, they want you to come over. They made me call you." His tone was extremely annoyed. As I was going out the door, my mom said, "Mal you don't have to do anything they tell you. You can say no." Keeping this firmly in mind, I headed over.
Thank goodness Veronica was there. It was babbling Russian city again. Veronica said, "I'm really sorry, are they bugging you? I hope they're not bugging you." I told her it was fine. I just wanted to know what they wanted from me.
Then Veronica started to translate. They had a son in Russia (oh no.) and they wanted me to write to him. Alright, I was willing to do that. They had told him about me but he was too shy to write to me, so they wanted me to do it first. Okay...Then I asked the fateful question. "How old is he?"
"Twenty-seven."
No, thanks.
Veronica said, "He's probably too old for you?" And I assured her that he was. I am only 18, I said. They told me it didn't have to be serious, just a hello, how are you. George came into the kitchen where we were talking and said "I feel bad for you Mal." and walked out. The Aunt added me on Bookface so that he could add me. My mom laughed at me for ten years when I got home and told her.
So he did add me. I can't even say his name. It is Russian symbols. On Monday he wrote me a message. Here's what it said:

"Hello Mallory:) Looked your photos:) Cheerfully there at you!:)"

What?
Another one today.

"hI Hi:) You speak Russia?"

Chris thinks the whole thing is hysterical. We were looking at Russian Symbols's Facebook today when I saw that he had posted one of my pictures on his wall and wrote "Beautiful smile:)))" on it.
I am an American mail order bride.

What do I do??? Help.

7 comments:

jessie said...

bahahahaha. that cracked me up.

caihay said...

hahaha so fantastic. is he handsome?

Lindsey said...

I'm going to look at him right now.

Batash said...

Best thing i've ever heard

Mallory said...

Well, he has got a shaved head.

Megham said...

Bahahahah, even though you told this to me in person it is still sooo funny. I love how you changed your profile picture to you and chris, i think that is the only advice i had for you......

meg. said...

I feel as if the following acronym is appropriate:

LOL!