Sunday, September 4, 2011

identity crisis

don't you, too, have those days where your self esteem hits rock bottom?
you read, see, hear something, and all confidence, all feelings of "things are going to work out" and "i'm doing great" plummet. you think, "what on earth am i even doing?"
you think you are putting in the utmost effort, but with a rude smack, you see that someone is always trying harder, doing better.
it should invigorate and inspire you that someone is doing so well. but sometimes. it sucks all of the optimism out of you and melts your confidence into a sad puddle.
everyone wants someone to notice them. and in this world, you need to stand out. if you're not unique, you don't exist. but where do people get the strength, motivation and determination to do that thing they're doing that makes them unique? you feel like you're not good at anything. nothing makes you stand out. nothing makes you special. that fact hits you like a ton of bricks.
and then you realize that you're going nowhere. everything you are attempting now is fruitless. unless you make an enormous change. right now. but you haven't the slightest inkling how.
you start to believe that just being yourself isn't enough.
and so you have to change. you have to be something you're not comfortable with. what about what everyone was saying all along? about being true to yourself? well, first of all you need to know what your true self is. what if you meet that person, that true self, and are disappointed with who you find? what do you do then?
and it's all so ironic, because you are, in fact, so self aware and in tune with yourself, that it is the only way that you see all of this. the only way that you meet that ugly, lazy, boring, lame, unintelligent, naive, disloyal, mean, unfaithful, pessimistic side of yourself.
"it used to be much worse," you tell yourself. you've been improving every day. making small adjustments here and there. trying as hard as you can. but again, everyone is miles and miles ahead. doing incredible things that seem impossible to you and winning in every aspect of life. and the mistakes you have made in the past continue to haunt you. that mess-up yesterday holds you back because you don't know how to let go.
you know what the most maddening part is? those things you clung to for stability and stamina are not solid anymore. the things that made you happy aren't always there. as much as you wanted them to stay, they didn't. you know that you're all alone.
and you have to come to terms with that inadequate person that you find in yourself and work together, because you are all you've got. the glowing, confident person you want to be, and the letdown, failure side of you that you've found have to make some amazing crime-fighting team to build you up. and you do have to try. you have to change. you just have to, to catch up with the crowd racing ahead to success and, most importantly, happiness.
and then, you do. it's hard, but you do it. you grow up.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Awww Shoooog! Your momma luvs ya!