the dream of the nineties is alive in portland.

has anyone seen portlandia? heavens ta betsy, it is a hoot and a half. it is a show dedicated to making fun of hipsters. if you have netflix, get your bum over to the tv and go watch it the 6 episodes. it is so weird and funny. my favorite thing is the bookstore called "women and women first" run by two hippie feminists wearing indigenous pantsuits.

"this is not some back-alley, hooker pimp transaction."

"do i look like a pimp to you?"

"when a man pulls out money, away from a register, i have to wonder."

it is so great.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

love, creedette and the baby creeds:

absolutely incredible. merry christmas indeed.

my life REVOLVES around this video.

every DAY chris and i MUST watch this. it is essential. i have probably seen it a hundred times by now but it still kills me. when chris and i are bored now we get on netflix and watch he-man episodes and i laugh through the entire thing. random outbursts of "and when i WAKE IN THE MORNING and i step outside and i take a DEEP BREATH!" are common. they play the actual song at my work and when it comes on i have to go pretend to fold jeans in a corner to hide my insane giggling. this is serious you guys. WATCH IT again and again and you will be happy too. it is the most ridiculous thing in the entire world but you. will. love it.

fatbooth.

The best app ever.











And deathly accurate.

-CHRIS

This kills me. Toooooo funny.

a series of unfortunate events

Let me recount to you the truly sad story of what happened to me when I tried to get to Ham's house the other night. (Note: she moved to a new house a couple weeks ago.)
So I parked in front of her "house", walked right up to the door, and rang the doorbell. It was ten o'clock, mind you. I suddenly got this feeling like wait....I am not 100 percent sure if this is Ham's house. Bad feeling. Through the window I saw an old woman's fluffy grey head coming up the stairs and succumbed to that feeling of "just get out of here before you truly humiliate yourself" because I was pretty sure that Ham's grandma wasn't living with her and was probably on an Indian rez somewhere and if she was living with her she would probably look a lot more Native than this woman did and so run-walked back to Edward. I jumped in and noticed that the poor old white non-Native lady who I had probably woken up had turned the porch light off. What sass.
So I called Ham and asked her where the crud I was. She said that she would come outside and look for me. I was pretty sure that her house was on a corner but I could have been wrong so I got out of my car and started walking to the neighboring house. Two people came out the front door and I said "WELL HELLO GUYS!" and guess what. It was two strangers. They said "....heeeey" real awkwardly and I said "Ohhh I'm at the wrong house." And even though I was obviously heading in the wrong direction I just kept walking because I couldn't stand how coincidentally ridiculous that just was. Seriously. How does that happen? So I decide to finally turn around and start walking to Edward again and the two strangers that I had mortified myself in front of drove past me in a car and I tried not to think about what they must be thinking of oblivious old me and thought instead about how glad I was that it was dark so if I ever saw them again they wouldn't point and laugh.
So I call Ham again and start jibbering and she said "What? I can't hear you. What?" about ten times. I got to my car. And the bloody car alarm went off. It would not stop for ten eons. Echoing about the neighborhood and making the biggest ruckus.
I did finally get to Ham's house. The end.

fhqwhgads

Lookie what I made!



Imagine the possumbilities.
Colors. Patterns. I'm super excited.

Wanna do it? Go here! How fun!

Today was a good day of gettin' lots of homework done and doin' some craffs and listenin' to the Pride and Prejudice sountrack. And reppin' the Motherland.



And this is just for fun.



I hope I manage to entertain someone with this stockpile of random.

I CAN'T GET OVER THIS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyophYBP_w4&feature=player_embedded

It's 21 seconds long, and you WILL die.
Sorry, it is un-embed-able.

hahahaha

From today's email:

"I ALMOST FORGOT! Me and Elder Shannon went to the finest, closest tree we could find and have been mending and creating wands! I have only been attacked by dementors 3 times so far, but I am NOT risking it anymore. Thats what I feel like the MTC is. Hogwarts. "

My own Ron Weasley. He cracketh me up.

"you never know when you'll need to bear a passing resemblance to someone."

This is up there with one of the greatest things I've seen on The Office, or in my whole life for that matter:



The Christmas special was a complete success. Minus Dwight beating Jim...that made me sad. Jim is the greatest, and a q-t. Also Kelly: "Ooh an ultimatum! Yeah, I pretty much can't get anyone to do anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself."

full of humor.

Do you know what I think is awesome. Chubby men are always thee funniest people ever.
Like Jack Black,



And Zach Galifianakis,



And Mr. Sanderson at the high school, he is so hilarious.
One time we were taking a math test and it was silent and he walked in and said "It smells like swaaaaaaaa....ss..." and he couldn't stop saying it but he was trying to. But he just couldn't stop. Oh he is great. Miss him. A chubby guy came into work the other night, and he was saying the funniest things. You all know it's true.

Oh, and yesterday was the last day of biology lab and we are studying Darwin and natural selection and stuff, and we had to go around and flip coins with everyone in the class and "mate" with them. "Random mating" or something.
"Are you guys mating?"
"We're mating right now."
"It's for science."
"I know you have a boyfriend, but..."
"Hey thanks for mating with me."
"Oh it was my pleasure."
"Whoa. You're getting a little eager there."
"Have we mated yet?"
"Hey we're mating. K go."

It was like high school all over again.

the funniest of all.

And Chris drew this in church today

2 sentimental/fantastic 2 B 4 gotten

I found all of these wonderful documents & things while cleaning out my room.

Homemade Potter Puppet Pals.


Holly Green and I drew this.


"Lifffftssssssss sssssome weightttssssssssssssss"


It's true:


An embarrassing snapshot of my cousin and a neat picture of my Aunt Sarah that I rescued from my mom.


Miss Lloyd comics. These I will treasure forever.


STA'S. We had our STA phase.


Oh how I wished it were true.


Yes.


Documentation of a terrifying night.


A wonderful Christmas gift.


My cousin drew this.


Aaaaaaaaaand.........AUTOGRAPHED LETTER FROM DANIEL RADCLIFFE!!! The absolute most shining moment of glory in all my adolescent life. I cried.


....These are only a fraction along with literally jillions of pictures of Sondre Lerche and Elijah Wood (with a few Orlando Blooms here and there), Avril Lavigne, Hawthorne Heights and Fall Out Boy CD's, hundreds of Hello Kitty notepads and Hello Kitty stickers, love notes from Chris, pet rocks from Chris, zombie drawings from my Russian neighbor George, embarrassing junior high photos, every letter and card anyone has ever written me, Orchestra music, toenails, cat hair, marbles, gel pens, and lots and lots of dust bunnies. Heck no I didn't throw anything away.

I LOVE JACK BLACK

good laughin's.

Yesterday Chris informed me we were doing an activity and he took me to the mall and we went to Build a Bear and this is what we did.





We had to do it.

"it's squatting inside her like a toad."

Practical Magic is a good movie. I heart Sandra and Ginger Nicole Kidman. And witchcraft. What can I say.
And something else: I MISS JADE MADISON. That woman....oh. She is THE BEST! thing that has happened to this earth. I need more of her in my life. I got to see her tonight and I uh...I...uh...
And I can't get this out of my head so watch it because it is so good. There is a 99% chance that you can spare 46 seconds of time ever existing watching this.

*My FAVORITE is when on YouTube videos every SINGLE comment is a quote from the video you are about to watch. Hey thanks for filling me in, LozerKidz49! Now I don't have to watch the video!

LOLZ. Goodnight

russian spies.

My neighbors are great.
On Sunday George, our Russian neighbor, came over to teach Chris some Russian. By that I mean he came to teach Chris dirty Russian words, of course. George is 14.
We have this huge bay window on our dining room that faces George's house, and the back of his house faces ours, and it is all windows. We can see each other pretty good. It's a little awkward. So we are sitting at the dining room table and it is dark outside and George looks out the window and says, "Oh my creepy." and we look over and there is a silhouette of someone with their face pressed against the window upstairs in George's house, looking at us. And we watch them. And they stay there for several minutes. It was the creepiest thing. Then the person left, got a mattress shaped object, placed it in front of the window, sat on it, and continued looking. George said it was Nick, his 10-year-old brother. Totally spying on us. Nick finally gets up, goes into George's room one window over, gets his recorder and starts playing it. Then he came back to the window, still playing the recorder. So I said, "George, go sneak over there and scare him." And he says, "Okay." So he left. We waited & watched intently. Then we saw him creeping up the stairs very slowly on all fours in his house through the window. Then we saw him appear behind Nick. He crept behind him and jumped on him. Nick screamed really loud. And we died laughing.

far beyond the valley of insane.

Last night I was doing my homework like a good girl when I heard a noise outside. I looked out my window to see Gary sitting in the middle of the street. With a car driving mere feet away from him. Insane weirdo. So of course I bolted downstairs to save him.
I called him and he came running towards me. Then lo and behold ANOTHER cat came following him from the bushes across the street! I scooped up Gary and laughed in his face. He is starting a gang I bet.



The scoundrels.

Then he started getting all twitchy so I let him down and he ran over to the other cat and they started doing weird cat mewing at each other with their tails puffed up to 10 feet in diameter. Then Gary came back to the porch and the other cat stayed on our sidewalk. So I went inside because I thought they were afraid of me. And I peered out the window. Nothing happened. So I called Gary inside and went back upstairs.
Here's where all sanity left the world.
About 15 minutes later, I am upstairs and it is dark outside and I hear this vicious cat fight going on. It sounded like it was in my house. Our basement window was open. So I ran downstairs and saw Eddy in front of our back screen door whining and twitching because he wanted to go outside so bad. I knew he knew where those crazy cats were. So I opened the door. Eddy unleashed and sprinted over into my neighbor's yard through our trees. It sounded like a full on EXPLOSION over there. There was a few full seconds of all this SUPER loud banging and crashing. Then I saw a dark shape fly off towards the left along my other neighbor's fence. Then I saw another shape tearing over to the neighbor's yard on the other side. It was Gary. And this is how I could tell. He was streaking over there unearthly fast. Then he tried to jump over my neighbor's tall white fence and couldn't make it, so he slammed into the fence. Twisting and flying all over the place. Hit the ground and took off running.
He came back in later all exhausted looking and zonked out on my bed.
Unbelievable.

i am sorry but i just can't get this out of my head.

the greatest.

just call me a mail order bride.

My brother Wyatt has been best friends with our neighbor George that lives behind us since we first moved in. George's mom Veronica is from Russia. As a result, they sometimes have their Russian relatives come to stay for incredibly long amounts of time. Like right now.
Sunday was glorious. Perfect for painting outside on my back porch. (I wish I was that artsy. It's just for my painting class.) I was just going about getting in touch with my abstract side when a woman approached me from George's house. She waved so I waved back. Then she started jibbering (or hacking, as Alexis calls it) in Russian. I just kind of shook my head and smiled. But she kept going. She pointed to herself and said some Russian name. So I did the same and said "Mallory." She looked at my paintings and then left. That was weird, I thought.
But it wasn't over. Five minutes later she came out onto their deck and yelled my name. Then she beckoned me over. What else could I do? I couldn't say no because she didn't even know what that meant. So I went inside and saw that she had Bookface brought up on the computer. Then she went off again in Russian. Next her husband came in and shook my hand. Started jibbering as well. Where on Earth is George. Someone help me, I thought. She whipped out a Russian-English dictionary and tried to write something and then stopped. Finally they got up, went on the back porch, pointed to my house and then to theirs, and said Veronica. They wanted me to come back when Veronica was home so she could translate. So I left. Totally weirded out.
That night, bout nine, bout nine thirty, the phone rang. My mom told me it was for me. It was George. "Mal, they want you to come over. They made me call you." His tone was extremely annoyed. As I was going out the door, my mom said, "Mal you don't have to do anything they tell you. You can say no." Keeping this firmly in mind, I headed over.
Thank goodness Veronica was there. It was babbling Russian city again. Veronica said, "I'm really sorry, are they bugging you? I hope they're not bugging you." I told her it was fine. I just wanted to know what they wanted from me.
Then Veronica started to translate. They had a son in Russia (oh no.) and they wanted me to write to him. Alright, I was willing to do that. They had told him about me but he was too shy to write to me, so they wanted me to do it first. Okay...Then I asked the fateful question. "How old is he?"
"Twenty-seven."
No, thanks.
Veronica said, "He's probably too old for you?" And I assured her that he was. I am only 18, I said. They told me it didn't have to be serious, just a hello, how are you. George came into the kitchen where we were talking and said "I feel bad for you Mal." and walked out. The Aunt added me on Bookface so that he could add me. My mom laughed at me for ten years when I got home and told her.
So he did add me. I can't even say his name. It is Russian symbols. On Monday he wrote me a message. Here's what it said:

"Hello Mallory:) Looked your photos:) Cheerfully there at you!:)"

What?
Another one today.

"hI Hi:) You speak Russia?"

Chris thinks the whole thing is hysterical. We were looking at Russian Symbols's Facebook today when I saw that he had posted one of my pictures on his wall and wrote "Beautiful smile:)))" on it.
I am an American mail order bride.

What do I do??? Help.