what to do when the person you're mad at isn't around to hit.

angry? frustrated? get out a journal and write really huge and really hard in all caps. break the lead. scrape holes in the paper. scribble with rage. it helps.

today i am thankful for my journal.

like an itch you can't scratch.

I'm going to add a few more things to my bottom ten. These have all happened to me in the past while. Maybe I am just irritable lately? Or going off the deep end? Probs.

1. When people walk in while you are watching Lost and start blurting out spoilers. I doubt that there is anything worse, and I might kill you for it.

2. Opening bands. Heaven forbid I want to watch what I CAME FOR. Just take up two hours with your nonsense and bad rapping and weird drug induced trances, go ahead.

3. When someone keeps interrupting you while you are eating. Or watching you while you are eating. Or just sitting somewhat nearby you while you are eating and doing something quietly so all you can hear is yourself chewing so it seems like the loudest, grossest thing ever right in front of someone and it's just really awkward.

4. When you are trying to talk to someone and you. Just. CAN'T. Like you suddenly have some odd speech impediment and you sound lame and crazy. Especially if it is someone you know and like very much, and you want them to think you are all witty and maybe want to see your face again someday, and all you can sound like is some blasted fool that can't control your word vomit or keeps stuttering in weird places. Even better, your face turns beet red for no reason.

5. Getting pulled over on your way to work and having to call your boss and tell her that you are going to be late because you are being pulled over.

6. When you are at the rec center, and you want to go over and maybe lift some weights, but there is a flock of sweaty teenage boys that went to your high school that you kind of know in an awkward sort of way blocking the entire weight lifting area. Or when the area is dotted with a few ripped men that you would just feel like a fool lifting those puny 12 pounds weights in front of their 100 pound bicep curl capable arms. I see that and I'm like, there's no way I'm going over there. I'll just go home and eat 1200 calories of chocolate.

7. Roadkill that you have to drive past every day. No one will clean it up. So each day it is a bit more pulverized.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh It feels good to get that out.

forget aliens. earthquakes. a massive meteor.

Have you seen this? How have I not heard of this until last week???



Well, the world has got to end sometime. I say it might as well go out with a bang and end with a zombie apocalypse.

On Sunday we went skiing and it was quite sunny. My face is sizzled. There is a cute thick red line on my forehead where my googles and hat weren't covering. Raccoon eyes to the max. If one more thing goes wrong with my face this week I will just wear a paper bag over my head.

ST. GEORGE/VEGAS tomorrow. Things I am most stoked for: 1. NO SCHOOL 2. Quality Ace time and 3. SHOPPING.
H&M and I will be beeeest friends. I've had my eye on you.



^I LOVE CORAL.



^And big rings.



ARCADE FIRE. AH.

HOORAY.

what happened here?

I burned my face wit mah spiral curlin' iron.





Lookin' like a fool.

day 24: waterworks

What makes me cry. Not very many things do..
Movies and books in which people die. Like PS I Love You and Harry Potter and Inkheart. I also bawled my eyes out after reading Where The Red Fern Grows and Shiloh. I get attached to characters like nobody's business.
I cry when I am super super nervous and stressy-excited at the same time and I cry when I'm embarrassed. If I am in certain moods, certain songs will get me.
And there have been I think 5 times in my life where I have been so happy that I have cried. Not counting all the times that I have cried from laughing too hard.
I also cried forever when Steve Irwin died and I cried when Sanjaya got voted off American Idol. (Does anyone even remember him?) How embarrassing.

day 13: my week.

Last week.
Mondee: School then work.
Tuesdee: Took a retarded Biology test, destroyed my self esteem, email from Ging, school and work.
Wednesdee: School then work.
Thursdee: Worked out and killed myself and liked it, worked, got a fantastic happy letter from Ging.
Fridee: School all day, nearly exploded of stress during Chemistry, received not one, not two, but THREE letters in the mail, crazy dance party at night.
Saturdee: Slept in, worked all day, came home and wrote Chris and studied and slept.
Sundee: Studied, homeworked, cleaned, laundered, hated/doubted everything, ate til I felt sick and barely watched football.

I am starting to hate my life. Refer to above if you need explanation.
And today was nothing short of wretched. It is not a happy day.

thou shalt not steal.

Last night I noticed my GPS was missing from my car. I asked my parents if they had taken it and they said no. So, some complete *#@$)*#@ stole it from my car. On further inspection I found out that they'd also taken the power cord AND my new car kit. I think it might have happened while I was at work. I feel so incredibly violated. Just knowing that some creep stranger went inside my precious Edward without my knowing makes me sick to my stomach. And the fact that they took the time to unpeel the GPS from the windshield, find the power cord and unplug it, AND go into the trunk and take the car kit, which was velcroed onto the carpet, makes me want to rip my hair out. They must have searched around in there to find whatever they could for a while. They must have popped the trunk, too, to get the car kit out. What the HECK?! WHY someone would EVER steal someone's personal things baffles me. And on top of that, how could you have enough courage to sit and search around in someone's car when you have no idea who could see you and if the owner would come find you stealing their stuff any second? Gaaahhhhhhhhhh FML. Stealing is something I would never ever do. Karma gets you back for it so easily. And it is absolutely the ultimate trash. It is so mean and disrespectful. AND, thou shalt not steal is a freaking Commandment of the Lord. I have lost tons of faith in people. And it could have been anyone. Was it you? I am totally paranoid now. I am so freaking angry. I'm never going to get over it. At least I know that that person is going to hell for breaking a Commandment of God, and they're probably going to have someone steal something of theirs soon, too, because Karma is flipping awesome that way.
So hide lock your cars and hide your kids and hide your wives, guys, because people SUCK.
I'm sorry, I'm just very bitter and very frustrated.

RIP karen

This is Richard. I had him for well over a year until he died when I went to Disneyland. I guess he didn't like the new tank I put him in before I left. I loved him. He knew when I was there. Every time I looked at him, even from far away, he would start swimming around. Chris named him. He sure had a special place in my soul.

To ease my broken heart, I got Karen a week later. Sadly I did not document his gloriousness through photo, but he was purple and red with spindly spikes. He died today. I am supremely saddened by it. Truly. He was gorgeous. Gary loved him. It was a delight walking into my room and seeing him swim around. Please keep him in your thoughts.

:(

here's what's up

I need to go running, eat healthy food, and sleep for a long time.
Because life is so good to me but I can't feel its goodness.
Everything is becoming one giant "You can do this." It is sick.

so done.

With creeps at school. A creep followed me out of biology today and asked to give me a ride to my next class. I just try to be nice to people. I really do. So I hesitantly said yes. And he was parked on the other side of campus in free parking. Crap. It was horrid.
Then when we finally made it to my class, he asked for my number. And I told him I had a boyfriend. And he said, "So...where is the relationship? Like starting out or almost done or what?" And I said. "Nope. We have been dating for two years." and left.
And I told Chris and he is very very mad at me.
And now I want to shoot myself.
And this is the worst time to be mad at me because he is getting his call tomorrow and I am going crazy.
I just want to get married and be done with it. I want to wear a giant sign on me that says "I HAVE A HUGE MUSCLY HANDSOME GINGER BOYFRIEND THAT I AM IN LOVE WITH SO LEAVE ME ALONE." I hate feeling like I have to be nice and not knowing what to do. I hate it.
I am so done.

the post break up survival guide.

1. Keep yourself busy. Anything.
2. Go to church. Say a few prayers. You'll feel better. Even if your breakup-ee is sitting just rows away.
3. Talk to your mom. Mom makes everything better. So reassuring.
4. Have full on girl time all day. I love my friends. They make everything better.
5. Spend long amounts of time in Barnes and Noble. Such a soothing smelling store.
6. Splurge on plenty of books. One of the only things I don't feel guilty spending money on.
7. Pet an animal. A Gary kitty, an Eddy goggie. It is scientifically proven that it's good for your health.
8. Read Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging. It is impossible to read these books without laughing so hard out loud.
9. Cry yourself out. It'll dry up eventually, promise.
10. Drive the Alpine Loop. It is way fun to drive, and so pretty, and the fresh air is glorious.
11. Take pictures of yourself and your friends doing double chins. Self explanatory.
12. Arts & Craffs. Decorate a hat. Make a headband. I did.
13. Watch a dumb, long chick flick with your girlfriends. Laugh through the whole thing.
14. Have a sleepover. Make yourself laugh all night.
15. Eat pounds and pounds of chocolate, muddy buddies, tacos, and all the crap food you can imagine. There is NOTHING WRONG with eating your broken heart out.

I'm sorry to be incredibly cliche and very depressing right now. But break ups are probably the worst things in the world. I've been lucky to avoid too many of them in my life time. Even though this is definitely the worst of them, it's also the best, because we still care. We are still talking. We are going to see each other soon. We are still best friends. We are there for each other. This was NOT one sided. He wanted to break up as little as I did. And if all goes according to plan, it is only temporary. I pray. And I assure you, I will not be the one to change the Facebook status.
I am so grateful for my friends who took care of me all day, sent thoughtful worried texts, and took my mind off of my crappy awful life. Thank you thank you thank you.

last night i had a terrible nightmare that chris and i broke up.

but i haven't waken up from it.

mallory jane's bottom ten.

And the bottom ten....is as follows.

10. Running screaming little children with no mother to be seen causing havoc and covered in snots.
*Coming in at 11 is mothers who let their babies cry and cry and cry and pretending like it doesn't exist/they are deaf. Miss? There is a BABY two feet in front of you CRYING ITS HEAD OFF. You gave birth to it. Take care of it.
9. People who spell my last name "Strauss." It is actually Straus and pronounced Straus. Not Straws.
8. When people say "ok..." Here is the translation. You are crazy, stupid, and don't know what you're talking about. No actually. I'm not any of those things. You are just being rude. Don't say that to me.
7. Vehicle drivers who go five under the speed limit in front of you because they need to turn somewhere ten miles ahead. Maybe more. But they are afraid they might miss their precious turn so they go excruciatingly slow and throw your day's schedule completely off because of their time-wasting.
6. Nickelback.
5. "Your" instead of "you are." And bad grammar in general. I want to know what school you went to that didn't make English a required credit. Cause I think maybe a lot of people went there.
4. South Park. Family Guy is funny. South Park isn't.
3. Inconsistent formatting. Examples:
If there is a list and one thing isn't like the others.

a. One
b. Two
c. three
d. Four

Just capitalize the DANG word "three"! And there is an extra space before "One". Ooooh it irks me.
2. Animal killers. People that put cats in microwaves. You will pay for your sins.
1. Thinking about Chris being gone for two years.

Also desserts with dangerous names and songs that try to pass off "la la's", "na na's", and "doot doo's" as legitimate lyrics.

Please refer to this video. Tis me and Lindsey's very favorite sbEmail.

I like lists. What's your bottom ten?

picture this.

You wake up in the morning, staring absently at your ceiling, when you notice there is a large black something wedged in the angle where the wall and ceiling meet. A lurker. Just waiting to hop down your throat as you sleep.

You take a shower and come back and it's gone.

Later that night, everyone in your house is asleep. It is deathly quiet. It is 11:30.

You are reading the creepiest and most suspenseful part of The Hunger Games.

You are overall thoroughly creeped out. You are skittish and the slightest noise makes you jump.

You get quietly up to go to the piddly diddly department. Your senses are on full alert because of your creeped out-ness. And see something move out of the corner of your eye. You look toward your closet and there is a grotesquely massive black spider crawling on the door. Probing the door with its hairy black legs. Hideously long hairy black legs.

You jump backwards and let out a terrified and aggravated noise. It is slinking up towards the top of the door. You can't take your eyes off it. You finally regain your legs and run to the bathroom. Yank an exaggerated amount of toilet paper off the roll. And run back.

It is gone.

You slide the door over and slowly, very slowly, peek inside to look at the back of the door. Nothing.

You look at the wall. Nothing.

You look at the floor and see a black pushpin in the carpet and nearly faint. Oh. Not a spider.

You sit on your bed and your mind fills with thoughts. There are numerous jackets in the closet. Shoes. Scarves. Perfect for spider reproduction. Suddenly your clothes are off the rack and all over your room. All the shoes. The scarves. Wow. That was quick. Quick enough? You pray it is. Then you sit there. Worrying. Your room a disaster area. You peek into the shoes. You shake off the scarves. Scan the insides of the doors again. Smack them together.

Where is it?

You get a text message and nearly jump out of your skin. Read it. Close the phone. Look up.

And it's right there on the door again.

Shoe. Smack. Bang. Dead.

Victory.

lurkers

Mom's been watching a lot of TLC lately and I saw a commercial for this new show. It's called "River Monsters". I got the jibblies (an unpleasant sensation number 6-something-or-other on Strong Bad's Bottom Ten). I am one brave little toaster but nothing makes me HYPERVENTILATE like this does

Why are they smiling? Oh, probably because it's dead and not nibbling their toesies (or legsies) off

Guess what the caption on this one was. "GIANT CATFISH EATS HUMAN." Please, God, let me die ANY other way.

And basking sharks? Forget about it. You guys are too creepy looking to exist.



I am ashamed of this. I love the ocean, I LOVE swimming. And this is such a recent thing.

Well, right before we went to Lake Powell last year my violin teacher told me a story about how her friend was scuba diving in Lake Powell and saw a catfish bigger than his body. I peed my pants a little.
And there you have it.

gooey drippy warm stuff

Happy ten fourteen post meridian o'clock chummettes. Today I did something that I never do. And that is stay home from school. This morning at 3 AM I woke up because I couldn't stop coughing. AND I COULDN'T STOP FOR THREE HOURS. My abs are achingachingaching from coughing so much and that has never happened to me. Also, my voice is almost completely gone. That has only happened once that I can remember in my whole life. KILL ME NOW!!!!!!!! It is that insane tickle in your throat that WON'T LEAVE. I hate you, viruses and pathogens. Also snot, because my head is filled with it and is making me feel like my eyes are popping out like those weird black people on Ripley's Believe It Or Not that can make their eyeballs come out.

So, thanks a lot to my 8 friends and boyfriend who were ALL sick in the past couple weeks. I guess this is what I get for hanging around sick girls all the time and kissing a sick mouth.

I am off to bed. Hopefully the NyQuil kicks in. It better be worth it for having to swallow that nuclear waste of a medicine. Oh. Just now I started feeling all sweaty and hot. Something happened!! Guhbye.

Ps. Hopefully my posts stay this useless for this entire blog!!!!!! Right? Right?

Pps. This is me right now.

Yep. Black and red shirt and everything.